The One With the Craigslist Postings

I kind of love craigslist. I've sold things on there, and although I've never actually purchased anything from the site, we did get our IKEA loveseat from there, free. It has a rip in the cushion, but if you flip the cushion over, it looks fine.

A few months back (actually, more than a year ago), D was looking for some freelance stuff on craigslist. Cary is a town not too terribly far from where we were living at the time, so when he came across this ad, he had to respond:

Need pro quality pics of "guys standing still"

I am lead singer of a hard rock band in the Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill area, and we are looking to hire a professional photographer to take pics for our upcoming first cd. We are planning on hitting the scene hard, playing all the major rock venues in the area, and eventually getting our album in the hands of the top record producers in LA.

But first, before we can do this, we need to have some hard-edged images taken of us to put in our album, fliers, and posters. We have looked at many photographs of the most successful local bands, and have found that they all have really cool pics of all the band members standing still, looking badass into the camera. Usually the most important member of the band is up front (the lead singer, which is "I") and usually the least important person, being the drummer, in the back. I wouldnt mind having a few hot chicks in it too, but as long as you cant see their faces bc most of them are a little busted in the face.

Since only a few of us are tatted out, either the photographer could photoshop some hardcore tats on our chests and forearms, or they could use body parts from other "less successful" bands that they have already shot. Its ok to have one or two of us sitting on the ground, or in a really cool old chair (this could be a great idea for our band bc our bassist is a lanky tall odd looking ginger dude ). We are all in our mid to late thirties, so being able to do age-reducing photoshop on us, add a little hair to one or two of us, and give us cool emo-style doos (possible a cool Adam Lambert-esque style hairdo would make me look edgy and relevent), is a must.

As for location, it is up to the photographer. Just really want to emphasize we need it to look badass! So run down environment (Cant be at any of our houses bc we live in apartments in Cary), rugged/vintage look, but most importantly, they REALLY REALLY need to have us standing up, looking straight into the camera. Hot band chicks in it, a nice plus - NO FATTIES.

We will discuss compensation when you contact us with your ideas, rates, and availability. We are under a limited budget, but when we get our album in the hands of the big LA execs, this will be a great way for a local talented artist to get their foot in the door, not to mention, become our official photographer.

BTW, our band is called ..... DEAD HORSE, the album is called ..... BEAT A DEAD HORSE
PLEASE INCLUDE A LINK TO YOUR WEBSITE OR SOMEWHERE IN WHICH THE GUYS AND I CAN SEE EXAMPLES OF YOUR WORK AND MAKE SURE THEY HAVE THE REQUIRED AMOUNT OF BADASS WE ARE LOOKING FOR

Um. . .this might be the most awesome thing I've read in the history of life. All of the spelling and punctuation is from the original posting, which I have saved in my e-mail for an occasion such as this. There's nothing not awesome about this, from the fact that they want tattoos photoshopped on them to the fact that the drummer is a tall, weird-looking ginger dude to the fact that they want hot chicks, but none that are busted in the face.

Interesting fact: To this day, I use the expression "busted in the face" solely due to this posting.

So there's that.

Then there's another one I found a couple days ago that just made me laugh.

Looking for an experienced Mexican lady

Looking for an experienced Mexican lady who can cook Mexican food and also hot dogs, french fries, hamburgers etc in a grocery grill near Oxford.
Need someone who is hardworking, honest, clean and dependable.
Part time hours available leading to Full-time.

I don't even really know what to say about this one. I'm not sure what kind of experience they want in their Mexican lady, but I hope they find it.

So what about you guys? Any craigslist weirdness you've come across?

The One With the Enfamil

I may or may not have mentioned (and I'm entirely too lazy to go back and look) the baby magazines I keep getting subscribed to. If not, here's the (abridged) story:

There are some very small, very immature people living back where D and I used to live, and in states beyond. These people hold things against you forever, because they have nothing better to do with their lives. So there are those people.

Then, last time D was there, the liquor store guy said something about how he (D) had run away from that town, leaving his wife, to whom he was still married, and moving in with his pregnant mistress.

False. All of it. D's divorced, thanks, and if I'd been pregnant as long as people have been SAYING I've been pregnant, my fetus would be approximately 18 months old at this point. Like. . .Wonder Fetus. Also, if I've been pregnant for 18+ months, I look AMAZING.

OK. There's the backstory.

A month or so back, I checked a mostly-defunct e-mail address, just because I was bored. Contained within the 845 messages I had, I had a note from "American Baby" magazine, thanking me for my recent subscription.

. . . . . .

Um, what?

Also, the subscription was in the name I will have once I get married. Like, if my name was Sarah Smith, and D's name was D Jones, the subscription was for Sarah Jones. This right here is how I know it's just someone effing with me, and not something I signed up for on my own. I do send away for a lot of free samples and things, but always in my own name.

I called American Baby, explained what happened (sort of) and had the subscription cancelled. Unfortunately, since the order was put in online, there was no way of knowing where the order came from. OK, whatever.

Then, last month, I also got my first issue of another baby magazine, the name of which escapes me at the moment. I've gotten two of those. That is also addressed to Sarah (Jones).

So last week, I have a voicemail from Mom. What it SOUNDS like she says is, "Hey, it's me. Got a package in the mail for you. Let me know what you want me to do with your Enfamil."

The product name sounded vaguely familiar, but I called her back.

"Hey."
"Hey."
"I got your message. . .WHAT did you say the package was?"
"Enfamil."
"I don't even know what that is."
"It's baby formula."

. . . . . . .

She laughed. I laughed. I told her my fetus was about 18 months old.

While I was on the phone, D suggested that I put the can on craigslist. It's a fairly good-sized can, and someone should be able to use it. I decide to do something good for the world, and I did, in fact, put it up. Here was the message:

Free Can of Enfamil
Since my husband's nightmare of an ex-wife thinks it's really funny to send samples of baby magazines and baby supplies to me even though I'm not, nor have I ever been, pregnant, I have a new, unopened can of Enfamil and a few coupons for Enfamil I'd like to give to someone who could use it. I'd keep it for myself but I literally have no use for baby formula.

Send me a message and we'll set up a time and place to make the drop.

Within 5 minutes, I'd gotten a response:

yeah i want it

Really? REALLY?! No greeting, no signature, no please, no thank you. Just "Yeah, I want it."

OK, I'm not asking that people asking for. . .charity, basically, need to jump through hoops for me to give them things. But this?

Like three minutes later, I get another response from the same e-mail address:

please give me milk

At least she said please this time. But. . .something about it just hit me entirely the wrong way.

Then I got a message from someone with the handle (and I'm changing the numbers here) LuciousLipz9216. This message said:

do you still have this?i could really use it.i can pick up.please let me know.

OK. Better.

Next message:

Hello,

I would absolutely love to get these if they are still available. I have a 4 month old and could really use it.

Thanks,

G

Yes. YES! This sounded like someone I would feel good about helping out. I decided to e-mail G back, and I got one more e-mail before I took the posting down:

Hi I just wonder if you still have the enfamil coupons. My sister in law could use them to save some money to feed my niece.
Thank you so much
I

OK. Not the best grammar, but a good second contender if G couldn't get them. I won't hold bad grammar against her. Maybe she's not from around here.

I exchanged a couple e-mails with G, and then. . .they abruptly stopped. I e-mailed her again to check to see if she still wanted it, and I got this reply:

Hi Sarah,
Thanks so much, but it probably would be difficult to meet up so you

can give it to someone else. Thanks again.
G

Huh. OK. I e-mailed the second contender to tell her that they were still available, and I got this response:

Hi Sarah I live far but my post office is very close and I can mail you a postage envelope.

Would you mind to hold coupons until you receive my self-address Envelope?

Thank you so much for your kindness, time and patience.

We really appreciate this
I

. . . . . Tell me that doesn't sound sketchy as hell. Sketchy. As. HELL.

Ultimately, I decided to just wait until the holiday season, and then give it to one of the many food drives that are held during that time. Better that than to potentially be hacked up into tiny pieces by some formula-drinking psycho and to be distributed in dumpsters around town.

And actually, now that I think about it, I don't know if I have any readers who have formula-drinking babies, but if you could use this stuff, I can send it to you. Just leave me a comment with your e-mail address, and I'll get it to you. It's a pretty good-sized can, and it comes with some coupons and stuff. Just let me know!