The One With 5 Things I Do Not Understand

1. Why anyone gives two flips what Kathy Griffin says. (Maybe I should change this to "Why Kathy Griffin is famous in the first place.")

2. Why, the day after Elizabeth Edwards dies, on Yahoo!'s "Trending Now" sidebar, "Cancer treatment" is currently number 7, but "Ashlee Simpson" is number 1. Apparently, Ashlee is either A) "urging her sister, Jessica, to start a family" or B) "planning to have another baby to get some attention."

This woman (who I, actually, personally, didn't have a hugely high opinion of, but it always sucks a big one when someone can't beat cancer) who is known for being a successful lawyer, a successful advocate, a not-so-successful politician's wife, and the writer of two widely read books, dies after a long, grueling battle with cancer, and the number one trending topic on this site is the Simpson sisters and their respective uteruses. (Uterri?)

3. Why shows like "Wonderfalls" are yanked after one season, but shows like "Two and a Half Men," which has its moments but is generally sophomoric humor, soldier on.

4. Why people think I believe them when they tell me either that they're going to pay their fines next time they're in the library, or how they're 100% certain they returned that book that's been missing since 2006.

5. Why Christmas is almost here, and I have no money to buy anyone anything. (This one, I may actually be able to answer. It's got something to do with working only one part-time job. A job I love, by the way, but still only a part-time one.)

The One With My List of 5

I'd like to say, first of all, HELLO! to my two newest followers.

(Not followers as in, they do everything I say without question, but followers as in, people following my blog.)

(Also, how awesome would that be? To have followers. Like Jesus does.)

(Not that I'm comparing myself to Jesus.)

(Even though that would be awesome, too.)

Every time I get new followers (and you can ask D. This actually happens.) I'm all, "They LIKE ME! The INTERNET LIKES ME!" And then I usually feel like making out with someone, and D's RIGHT THERE, so I'm all, "Let's make out!" and D's all, "Thank you, Internet!"

Or something like that.

Anyway.

Have you seen the episode of Friends with the List of 5? 5 celebrities you'd be allowed to sleep with, given the opportunity, no questions asked? D and I have. . .oddly frequent conversations about the List of 5.

Now, in the interest of full-disclosure, since I do have a penchant for the ladies, I actually get a List of 10 -- 5 dudes and 5 dudettes. I had to fight for this, but in the end, D saw my point. Sometimes he still insists he should also get 10, but for now, he gets his 5. But in the interest of keeping things hetero, I'm just talking about my List of 5 Dudes.

D knows most of these, so it's not at all awkward that I know he'll read this.

I should also note that. . .really and truly, I have no desire to ACTUALLY sleep with any of these people. Because I think that would be awkward. But those are the rules of the game.

Also. . .I have a friend that, toward the beginning of her relationship with her husband, said, "I'm so in love with (the guy) that I don't even LOOK at other guys anymore."

I did not say this at the time, but I'll say it now: That's crap. You never stop LOOKING. You stop acting upon things when you're with someone you want to be with, but just because you've found love (or whatever), that doesn't mean that you completely cease to notice that other people exist. You might even develop a harmless crush on someone. Doesn't mean you love your person any less. It just means you are human. So none of my 5 mean anything about the state of my relationship with D. It just means that there are some very, very pretty men out there in Hollywoodland, and I notice that they are pretty.

The top 2 are people who are always on my list. The rest rotate sometimes. That kind of defeats the purpose of a list, but WHATEVER.

So without more rambling further ado, Sarah's List of 5 (This week):

1. Billie Joe Armstrong

via Google Images

This guy here? Has been my boyfriend since roughly 2001. He's all dark haired, eye-linered, punk rock hotness. This is one of two guys that, when D sees them on TV, he goes, "Oh. There's your boyfriend." Yeah, he's obnoxiously political, but I feel like, as long as he doesn't talk? I'm good to go.

I also (kind of ironically) love that he and his wife have been together as long as they have. And also that one of their kids has the middle name "Danger." Homeboy can LITERALLY say, "Yeah, Danger is my middle name." Awesome.

2. Alec Baldwin

via Google Images

Yes, I realize this is an older picture, but it makes more sense, I think, if you start there. Alec Baldwin has something weirdly appealing about him, although I think a lot of it comes from his character on "30 Rock," which I LOVE. He's older man hot, and I'm into that. Obviously.

I said something about A.Bal to my father a while back, and I think he completely misses the point of the List of 5.

Me: I kind of love Alec Baldwin.

Dad: His politics are ridiculous. I hate him.

Me: I don't really care about his politics. I like his work.

Dad: He was a jerk to his daughter.

Me: I'm not looking to marry the guy or have any of his children so he can treat them badly as well! I'm talking about him being a good-looking guy. Also, he's a good actor.

Dad: Well, he's a jerk.

Me: You don't have to be a nice person to do your job. I've known a lot of jerk doctors, but they still do what needs to be done.

Dad: I hate Alec Baldwin.

So there's that. Point of that being, I guess, I should never invite A.Bal over to Dad's for dinner.

And speaking of hot older men:

3. Richard Gere

via Google Images

This guy's just got it going on. He's sensitive! He's snarky! He's a mother-effing SILVER FOX! (Did you SEE him in "Chicago"?) I love this guy. Incidentally, you know how when some people make certain faces, or look at you a certain way, they look like someone famous? D sometimes looks like Richard Gere. I'm just sayin'.

4. Nathan Fillion

via Google Images

This guy is adorable. He's never not cute, in anything he's ever been in. In the show "Castle"? Adorable. In "Desperate Housewives"? Adorable. In "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog"? Adorable AND funny. This guy's a win-win-win. He was added to my list around the time "Waitress" came out. Love this guy.

And finally. . .

5. Carrot Top

via Google Images

5. Carrot Top Demitri Martin

via Google Images

Demitri Martin, actually, is the third person that D consistently refers to as My Boyfriend, and I can't believe I almost forgot him. This guy? Is hysterical. Freaking hysterical. The kind of comedy that it takes you 2 seconds to realize why what he said is funny, but when you do, you laugh your ass off. Smart comedy.

Plus, um, he's hot. Like. . .super hot. Funny and hot. Nice.

So there's my 5, 3 of which remain consistent. So you guys tell me: who would YOUR 5 be?

The One Where I Boycott Things

I'm all about making a statement. If I think something's unfair, I'll say, "Hey! That's not fair!"

Or if I think something's offensive, I'll be like, "Hey! That's offensive!"

Yesterday, D and I went to this Chinese place near here. We each got the lunch special, which was like $5. Then, thanks to hot mustard (mine) and General Tso's chicken (D's), we got thirsty. D went up to get a tea and maybe a Diet Coke, and the lady was all, "No debit card purchases under $5." And D's like, "I don't have cash, and we just spent a collective $10." And she's all, "No."

(I found out later that technically, stores aren't allowed to do that. They're supposed to take cards for any amount, and that if a store sets a minimum? That's not really allowed. Unfortunately, most credit card companies won't do anything about it, even if you complain.)

So D's pissed. Ultimately, he went to the Food Lion next door and bought two bottles of water, but I don't think we're going to be going back to that particular Chinese place.

That got me thinking about boycotting things. I have a few things I'm currently boycotting, and now I can add that place to the list. Following are my Things I'm Boycotting:

1) That Chinese Place

2) The Bruegger's Bagels in Wake Forest (This is because of terrible, terrible service, and the fact that it's full of rude, snotty people.)

3) Any movie containing Matthew McConaughey (Because OBVIOUSLY!)

4) The morning show "Bob and the Showgram" on one of the radio stations in town.

This one has more of a history. Bob is obnoxious. I can't stand him. His co-host, Mike, is obnoxious, and thinks he's awesome. He's not. They do stupid, stupid things on the show that insult my intelligence anyway. This one morning, they're talking about. . .something, I don't even remember, and the girl co-host, Kristin, was like, "Well, Bob, you think all women are prostitutes anyway." And Bob's all, "Yeah, that's true."

As soon as those words left his mouth, I flipped the station. I was really, really insulted by that, and I didn't even need to know his reason. D's like, "What was that for?" and I said, "I'm not listening to this show anymore. I'm boycotting it." And I have. I have not listened to the show since that day, which was probably in June or July.

I found out later that the reasoning behind that was that Bob feels women don't have sex ever except to gain something, whether immediately, or in the future. Coming from a man who, admittedly, has sex like once a month? Bob needs to SHUT HIS WHORE MOUTH. After finding out the explanation, I'm glad I stopped listening. It's such a popular show that it's not like one person not listening is going to make a difference, but it makes me feel better.

5) BP (I accidentally typed "BO." I guess I'm boycotting that, too.)

6) Family Guy

Now this one, I've never shared, but I'm doing it now. I was up visiting my cousin and her husband a few months back, and her husband (Frank) and I were watching Family Guy. Carrie'd already gone to bed.

In this particular episode, Stewie (the baby) fell down the stairs and was comatose from what was obviously a Traumatic Brain Injury. The entire episode, it was this joke that Brian (the dog) was trying to keep everyone from finding out what had happened. Through it all, the baby is not moving, not responding, etc.

At the end, the mother is backing out of the driveway, and the father, who has since realized the baby is brain-damaged, throws the baby under the car so it looks like the mother has damaged her baby by running over him. Then she's all, "Oh! We can cover this up!"

Some of you might remember my cousin, John, who was in a car accident last Christmas and who himself received a TBI. Unlike the cartoon character, John isn't going to be OK by the next episode. There is nothing at all funny about a kid with a brain injury.

So that's why I'm boycotting Family Guy. Because every time I am around John for extended periods of time, I'm weepy for a week afterwards. Because it's just not fair. At all.

I still have the FG DVDs I bought, but I need to get rid of them, I think. I've been watching what I recognize to be older episodes when I see them on TV, but I feel like that's a cop-out boycott. If I'm going to say I don't appreciate something, I should probably not appreciate it in its entirety.

So. . .if anyone needs the first two box sets of Family Guy DVDs. . .

The One Where The List Makes a Comeback

Hey, y'all. Remember The List? Due to my complete lack of anything interesting to say and/or discuss today, I'm bringing the list back. In no particular order.

Let's see. . .Apparently, Day 28 (What's in Your Handbag or Purse) was already done, inadvertently, so I'm going to go ahead and mark that one off. We'll go with:

Day 25: Your Day, In Great Detail

Since it's about 10:50 a.m., obviously, this is not THIS day in great detail. This is a generic day, since most of them go about the same. Also, you may or may not be sorry for asking for great detail.

6:40: Alarm goes off. I hit snooze, cursing the world.

6:49: Hit snooze.

6:58: Hit snooze.

7:07: Hit snooze.

7:16: Hit snooze. D comes in and politely tells me if I don't get my ass in gear, I'm going to be late.

7:25: Finally get up and get in shower.

7:32: Get out of shower and begin "What to wear" process.

7:33-7:41: Change clothes three times.

7:42-7:50: Panickedly (is that a word?) gather up everything I need for the day, grab bagel and juice D has so nicely gotten together for me, hunt for my badge, hurry out the door.

7:50-8:05-ish: Drive to and get to work.

8:05-ish-12:00: OK, so, the order of all of this varies from day to day, so I'll just give you a list of what could and probably, at some point, will happen during this 4-hour span:

*Mafia Man comes by my desk and scares the crap out of me.

*I say, "I'm good, thanks, how are you?" between five and 15 times. (Yes. I'm aware I should say I'm doing "well," but that doesn't flow as easily.)

*My boss calls between two and 100 times.

*I enter the forms that people have filled out.

*Three people ask me to do things for them, believing me to be their personal assistant.

*Two people call me, asking to be transferred to someone else in the building, because they don't want to look up the person's extension.

*My boss references how much she dislikes at least two people at the company, following it with "But they're a nice person!"

*I drink at least one Diet Coke.

*I answer three phone calls for people who don't work here; At least one of these callers will insist they are correct, and ask me (1) How long I've been here; (2) How long the person they've called for has been gone; (3) Am I sure I'm spelling the name correctly?

*I wave at the jauntily gay mailman when he drops everything off in the lobby.

*Three to five people call or come by, asking if we're accepting applications. I explain to them that they can drop off a resume, but that you don't actually fill out an application unless called for an interview. One will ask me for a fax number. Two will have resumes ready for me. One of these resumes will have so many errors, it makes me want to cry a little.

*Seven people come to the front door and try to open it. It is locked. Two of these people look at me, and I push the button under the desk to unlock the door for them. The rest of the people won't even glance over at me and, after trying to open the door again, harder this time, walk over to the phone on the wall and try to figure out who they need to call. Three of THESE people eventually notice me. The rest linger in the lobby until someone lets them in.

*I office-laugh at approximately eight things people say.

*I go on a massive hunt for at least two people that have appointments waiting in the lobby, only to find that, when I get back to the front, they've already come and retrieved the person.

*Four people call me ma'am.

*I chat with people on gChat, talking about the drags of work.

*Blogs are read/written.

12:00: Lunch! D comes by and picks me up and someone takes over my post for the next hour.

1:00: Back to work. Small talk with whomever has taken my place.

1:10: I'm ready to go home.

1:10-3:00: Finish whatever work still needs to be done, interspersed with the stuff from the 8:05-12:00 block.

3:00: Boss calls me to talk crap about someone.

3:05: Boss comes up to my desk and insists she needs to use my area to make phone calls (usually in Spanish) and/or use my computer. This renders me basically useless.

3:45: Boss finishes using my space.

3:45-4:15: Boss begins to talk about her personal life. This includes her kid, her friends, her gyno appointments, and how long it's been since she's gotten laid. (13 years, if you wonder.)

4:15-4:40: More of the same from the morning. Counting down the minutes.

4:40: Boss calls with something that "needs to be done ASAP."

4:50: Boss calls to tell me it can be done tomorrow.

4:55: This is almost gut-wrenching how slowly time is moving.

5:00: OUT OF HERE!

5:00-5:20: Travel to second job. (Monday and Wednesday) Eat something or other.

5:30: Start library job.

5:30 to 7:30: Work, dealing with people who I've mentioned in previous posts, and wash my hands at least five times.

7:30: Break time! Either talk to D or read or power nap with eyes open.

7:45: Back to work! Do the book drop!

9:00: OUT OF HERE!

9:00-9:20: Drive home from library.

9:20: Eat something.

9:45: Settle in for computer browsing/reading/conversating/TV-watching.

Sometime between 10:30 and 12:30: BED! Get to get up and do it all again in a few hours.

So there you go. My day in EXCRUCIATING detail.

The One With My Purse

And now, for something completely different. It's dumb, and pointless, but why does everything in life have to have a point?

I've seen on a couple of the other blogs I read where women did this "Hey, check out what's in my purse!" post. I thought they were kind of weird, but the more I thought about it, the more I was like. . .that's cool. And I'm enough of a narcissistic exhibitionist that I feel like everyone should WANT to see what's in my purse.

So here's the purse (sorry for the crappy picture. . .lighting wasn't great and it's a camera phone.)

It's a Vera Wang Kohl's brand purse (Simply Vera? I think that's what it's called.) I have a billion purses, but this is one of two I use most frequently, since it matches everything.

Here's what's in it:

OK, here we have everything I tote around with me daily, sans my cell phone, since that's what I was taking the picture with. There's gum, a jump drive, a tampon, a stack of receipts that I made all nice and neat for the picture, a stack of Other Various Things I made all nice and neat for the picture, hand sanitizer (a godsend), my iPod, lip-plumping lip gloss from E.L.F., glucose tablets for low blood sugar, business cards, hand cream, tweezers, hair bands, a little pocket knife, a nail file, a stack of Diet Coke pop tabs (we collect them for. . .some reason.), a random dollar I was pleased to find in the back pocket of the purse, my wallet which is really badass. . .at some angles, it's black and white with a piano pattern and at other angles, it's colorful guitars. Also from Kohl's, 10,000 pens (because I can never find one. And yes, they're always bundled together like that. Not just for the picture.), my checkbook, a comb, a pad of paper, my jumble of keys, and the change sock D got me from Iowa.

Um, what this tells me is that I have a lot of crap in my purse. No wonder my back hurts sometimes.

And if you're wondering (and, I know you are, because OBVIOUSLY), in the stack of receipts, there's a receipt from all of the following: My bank (cashier's check made out for rent), Target, Wal-Mart, Chik-Fil-A, and Lowe's Foods. And in the stack of random crap? A card for a doctor's appointment next week, a coupon to save $1.50 on any 3 General Mills cereals, a check of D's, a letter from the company that manufactured my insulin pump, a recipe for Zucchini Cheese Casserole I found in a library book, and a coupon for $1 off yogurt purchases at some place called Local Yogurt that I got from work.

Um, I think I need to clean out my purse. There would also be a book in it that I am currently reading for my Gay Book Club, but I left that out in the car over lunch. There was also a greeting card in there, but I took it out to write in it. Also, way down deep in one of the pockets, there was a clear lip gloss. I didn't feel like taking everything out again to include it in the picture. Oh! And in the same pocket as the clear lip gloss, there are 3 coupons for CiCi's Pizza.

The One With the Irritating Things

Sometimes in life, there are things that Just Irritate the Eff Out Of You. I'm not in a bad mood today or anything, but I thought I'd take a moment and list some of these things. For funsies. And posterity.

1. People who comment on stories on CNN.com and the like by saying, "This is news?!" or "This isn't news!"

OK, y'all. Obviously you knew what the story was about when you clicked on it. And if you're in the "Entertainment" section of a news site, then yeah, Lily Allen being pregnant IS news. News is partially defined as "a report of a recent event." Yep, Lily Allen being pregnant is a recent event. At least within the last 9 months. Yep, you're reading a report. Yep, I think you should shut your whore mouth, because why did you click on it if you weren't interested in it? It's not like someone's standing over you all the time saying "CLICK ON THAT! EVEN IF YOU DON'T CARE!! YOU MUST CLICK!" This doesn't generally happen unless you have children.

2. People who can't be bothered to type with proper spelling, punctuation, or Caps Lock skills

Ironically (IRONY!!), I thought of this one whilst typing the last one. Because of the ridiculous use of Caps Lock. The thing here, though, is that I use it for emphasis, or to demonstrate someone being ungodly loud. I COULD use the "bold" function, but pressing ctrl+b takes a LOT more time than just holding down the shift key (or pressing the CL button.) My usage is out of laziness, not ignorance. But if you type a message or a text or whatever in all caps, I feel like you're yelling at me, and you're going to give me issues. Also, if you use "text speak," you sound like a 12-year-old, and I will treat you as such.

This one even gets a second paragraph, because it bugs me so much. If you send me any kind of message that reads something like, "OMG! im soooooo x-ited about de CONCERT DIS WKND!!! Txt meh l8er n we cin figgr out da PLANZ!", I'm going to slap you and possibly punch you in the face. I hate how the use of technology has made a lot of people just sound like ignorant asshats. Admittedly, I use things like "OMG" and "WTF" and stuff like that, but I use it, you know, ironically. I know that that's not what people are supposed to sound like.

3. People who refuse to let you change lanes in front of them even though it would LITERALLY be no skin off their teeth to let you in

This happened to me this morning. I drive on a really busy road to get to work. I was in the far right lane, which turns into a right turn-only lane. Even though I CAN get to work by taking the right turn, I prefer to go straight, because the right turn option takes me in the side door, and I prefer to go in the front, if the traffic's not backed up.

So I was about a minute from the lane ending. I flipped on my turn signal and this fugly gold Camery (Camry? Spell check HATES this word!) was to my left. I sped up a little to get over in front of the guy (a douchey-looking executive type in a business suit) and he sped up, too. I'm like, ". . . . ." and I slow down a little, thinking if I can't get in front of him, I'll fall in behind him.

Of course, he slows down.

Now I'm like, ". . . . . .???" I try speeding up again, and he speeds up, too. He's literally blocking me into this lane. He's looking at me, so I know it's intentional.

I did eventually give up and just take the right turn, but really? WHY was that a thing he felt like he needed to do? Letting me in front of him (and especially behind him!) would not have made him any later to wherever he was going to spread his douchebaggery amongst the masses.

The one caveat to this, the one time when I find it acceptable to not let someone change lanes in front of you, is if they're one of those people that are in a lane that's ending or closed or whatever, they've seen the signs for at least half a mile, and they stay in the closing or ending lane to try to get ahead of everyone else. I have no sympathy for these people. If you're either A) not paying attention to what you're doing, or B) Just trying to be a jerk, I will not let you in. I don't expect anyone to do it for me if I'm not paying attention to signs, so I will also not do it for you. Period.

4. People with no freaking common sense when it comes to doors

This one is entirely work-centric. The view I have from my desk is this:

On the opposite wall, beyond the doors, there is a sign. The sign used to say, essentially, "Call the person you're here to see when you get here," and then there was a list of numbers. The doors are locked, so this was in case no one was at the front desk to let you in.

I changed it because people would try to open the door (which is actually sometimes hilarious, since people pull on the door really hard sometimes and it doesn't move. People have almost fallen over. What I have wanted to do but have not and will not do is wait until they give a super hard tug and press the release button while they're doing that. I feel like that would be amusing, yet sue-worthy. Also, while I'm on it? People should understand that if they pull a door and it does not open, if they pull it a second time, it's probably STILL not going to open. I'm just sayin'.) but they would try to open the door, and then immediately look to the sign on the right, not bothering to look to the left to see me sitting right there, ready to let them in.

So I changed the sign to say something like, "If the receptionist is not there, THEN call these numbers."

You'd think this would make them think, "Oh, there's a receptionist. Maybe the receptionist will let me in."

Most people do not think this. They'll read the sign, call whomever they're there to see, and if no one answers, they'll just look irritated and lost, never once looking at me. It's annoying and frustrating, but there's no other way to get their attention other than to put up another sign saying, "Hey! Moron! Look to your LEFT! There's someone sitting RIGHT THERE, ready to let you in if you'll just LOOK AT HER!"

It does not help that when I unlatch the door, it makes no sound to indicate it has been unlocked. So people just stand there, looking at me.

Would you not look for someone sitting somewhere to let you in? It just makes sense to me.

Even though I very much dislike the number 4, I'll end it there. No need for THAT much negativity caused by basic stupidity.

The One With IRONY!

Back for another round. This round will start with a list of thoughts I feel the need to write down, and then the point of the post.

A couple things to note:

1. My iPod has been AWOL for about. . .6 months. It was recently (and randomly) unearthed, and I ordered a new battery for it (because, previously, if you charged it to full power, put it on the list of music, and then had the audacity to skip a song, that would completely drain the power and it would die immediately.) and D took the thing apart and installed the new battery. Viva la iPod!

2. I am currently in the middle of reading. . .approximately 6 books, one of which is NOT the book I have to have read for next Tuesday's book club. Um, I should get on that.

3. I think my boss has a thing for D.

4. I need to know how much is too much information on this blog. I have stories I'd like to tell, but I think maybe they're just not something everyone, their mother, and their mother's girlfriend needs to know. (What? I'm progressive and accepting. I don't care if your mother has a girlfriend.)

5. I'm freaking dying for a piece of the cheesecake I made last night.

6. I think Blogger needs the same thing Xanga has, where you can say what you're currently listening to/watching/reading. Because I'm all about mundane information about my life! The only problem here would be if I were reading my 6 books (see point 2), watching "Napoleon Dynamite" and listening to Cutting Crew's "I Just Died in Your Arms." (True story: That is what I am listening to.)

OK, so, irony.

Here's the dictionary definition (taken from dictionary.com):

i·ro·ny

¹    [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-]

–noun, plural -nies.

1.

the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite ofits literal meaning: the irony of her

reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

2.

Literature .

a.

a technique of indicating, as through character or plotdevelopment, an intention or

attitude opposite to thatwhich is actually or ostensibly stated.

b.

(esp. in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing awork so as to give full expression

to contradictory orcomplementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as ameans of indicating

detachment from a subject, theme,or emotion.

3.

Socratic irony.

4.

dramatic irony.

5.

an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

6.

the incongruity of this.

7.

an objectively sardonic style of speech or writing.

8.

an objectively or humorously sardonic utterance, disposition, quality, etc.

Irony is one of those things that most people just don't get the meaning of. "Wow. . .that's pretty ironic," is often said about things that are not ironic.

"Wow, you and your ex-boyfriend showed up at the same bar last night. How ironic!"

No. This is not ironic. Irony would be if a girl went out because she was trying to avoid seeing her ex-boyfriend, and they ended up at the same bar. That would be irony definition number 5. She was trying to get away from him, but he went to the same place she did. Whoa. IRONY!

(Here, I should explain that D and I had a conversation about irony the other day, talking about what's ironic and what's actually not, and now, whenever something comes up that is actually ironic, I do a weird jazz hands movement and say, "IRONY!" What would be ironic would be if D had sworn to never fall in love with anyone who used jazz hands. IRONY!)

The entirety of Alanis Morisette's song, "Ironic," is NOT IRONIC. There's nothing ironic about "meeting the man of your dreams/and then meeting his beautiful wife." There's no bit of irony in a "black fly/in your Chardonnay." And it's not ironic if you have "rain on your wedding day."

Most of these are just things that really suck.

To be fair, there is one legit irony in the song (the guy who's afraid of flying dying in a plane crash). But one out of. . .many doesn't cut it.

The irony thing is just another English Language thing that irks me, kind of like the ending -oholic being used to describe someone being addicted to something besides alcohol.