The One Where I'm Angry and a Little Political

I don't generally discuss politics here, first of all, because I don't pay attention to it and therefore don't want to sound ignorant, talking about things I know nothing about. Secondly, because a lot of times, it's just unpleasant.

But here's the thing.

Our government here is doing such a bang-up job of screwing everyone over, I feel compelled to talk about it.

The first thing on the list: Old, fat, white men screwing with women's reproductive system.

In Georgia, Rep. Bobby Franklin has (re!) introduced a bill to make it a felony to have a miscarriage if the mother can't prove that there was no "human involvement." The miscarriage would be re-defined as "pre-natal murder" unless the woman can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that no outside source had anything to do with it.

OK, Rep. Franklin you pretentious bastard. Are you aware that between 10 and 15 percent of pregnancies can end in a miscarriage? Are you aware that there are many, many more than even that that take place before a woman is even pregnant? Oftentimes (not always, but often), the body miscarries a pregnancy because there is something terribly wrong with the fetus. The baby wouldn't have made it anyway, so it's nature's way of taking care of those types of things.

What if an unsuspectingly pregnant woman is, say, 3 weeks pregnant. Let's say she goes out and has a glass of wine. Say she then, a week later, miscarries the pregnancy she didn't know she had. She feels weird, so she goes to the doctor, and then doctor's like, "Oh, BTW. You were pregnant."

Is that her fault? Would Rep. Douchebag Franklin's bill say that because she had that glass of wine, and it COULD HAVE caused a miscarriage, she's to blame? What if it would have terminated itself anyway? How could you possibly know?

What infuriates me about this is that it's a man proposing this bill. A man that will never, not even once in his life, know what it's like to lose a pregnancy, a child you were waiting for and hoping for that, for whatever reason, just wasn't meant to carry to term. You could argue that maybe his wife could experience that (except I don't think he's married. . .I couldn't find that anywhere) but he himself will never have to go through that.

For even suggesting this should be a thing, for even putting it out there for people to have to look at and think about, Rep. Assface Franklin should be kicked out of politics and never allowed to return.

Admittedly, yes. There are people who do really, really dumb stuff when they're pregnant. People who go through with the pregnancy, but go out and knock back a few at the bar every night, people who do hard drugs, people who continue to smoke through their pregnancy. THOSE are the people that need going after. The people who don't? Those people who just go about their day and, for whatever reason, have their bodies turn against them.

Next: The potential cutting of of funding for Planned Parenthood.

I'm sure this subject has been all over the blog world, and all over everywhere, but I have been avoiding it. I've been avoiding it because I find it so hard to accept that people are just so damn ignorant.

It's the anti-abortion people who are all up into this bill. (Note: I don't have a real, honest-to-God opinion on the subject. Not like Justin Bieber, who feels abortion is wrong, even in cases of rape, because "everything happens for a reason." I think that, if you don't want kids, you need to do everything in your power to avoid conceiving them, but that in some cases, yeah, abortion is the option you might need to take. Doesn't mean I'd run out and get one myself, but I (unlike the Biebs) know that I can't have a legit opinion on something I don't have any experience with. (Another note: He does say at the end of that interview that he doesn't know about it, so he can't really talk about it, but that was after he made his ridiculous comments. If he knows he doesn't know anything about it, he should probably, you know, not say anything about it. But I digress.)

Anyway, the fact is, only about 3% of what PP does is abortion-related, and none of that (by law) is funded by government money. So you're not actually cutting down on any abortions paid for by the government at all if you get rid of PP. You're getting rid of pap smears, mammograms ,STD testing, birth control options, cancer screenings. . .basically a lot of the things that low-income people need to keep themselves reproductively and breastily healthy.

They're basically voting to get rid of all of the pregnancy prevention options PP offers. So that will account for more unwanted pregnancies which will lead to. . .yeah. MORE abortions. And probably unsafe ones. Because if these women have nowhere to go, and they're desperate, my guess is that they're going to do whatever they have to to stop the pregnancy. So then you're just going to have a lot of ill women and some really messed up kids running around. And a lot of them will, most likely, need government funding anyway because they weren't ready to have a kid, especially not a kid with special needs (due to the ill-fated pregnancy termination attempts) and. . .do you see where I'm going with this?

We do not live in a Christian nation. This is a fact. Our Founding Fathers were not all God-fearing Christians as we often portray them. We're allowing the fundamentalism of a religion, not a national religion, but just a big one, make laws. Doesn't seem fair to me. Also doesn't seem fair to me that all of the pregnancies that could have been avoided if people had proper care that resulted in unwanted children will result in. . .children who are unwanted, and treated as such.

I'm getting ranty and stabby right now, so I'm going to stop.

What I would like to do is to ask the gentlemen (and ladies!) in Washington and the people in Georgia to please keep their agendas and hands off of my ovaries.

Thank you.

The One With the Avocados

Good morning/early afternoon/whatever, y'all.

I've been super busy doing not a whole lot. On the plus side, one of D's new clients is a bar owner, so I have had more than my fill of beer and bar food over the last couple of days. Please don't tell my endocrinologist. Or my mother.

Speaking of food (you like what I did there?), I was talking to my cousin, Carrie, this morning, and we had a conversation that led to some Google searches, which ultimately led to a downward spiral of shame.

She starts the conversation innocuously enough, with "random question."

The question goes like this: "So I'm reading on this Web site about uses for avocado. I originally wanted to see if you can eat the pit. People always throw it out, but it's soft and malleable like the flesh, so why can't you eat it? Anyway. I came across this site that has various other uses for avocado and saw this -- Foot and Hand Massage. With your partner, share the luxury of a relaxing massage. If you both have sex in mind, don't stop with the hands and feet"

That led into a discussion of whether or not that was gross. Carrie conceded that a hand and foot massage might be OK, but that was the end of it. I said, if something touches my feet, I don't want it touching ANYWHERE ELSE. I also have texture issues with touching things with my hands, so I don't think I'd like that either. So feet would be it.

This got me thinking. So, as you do, I went to Google and typed in "Sex with Food."

(At this point, you're probably thinking, "Sarah, will you NEVER LEARN?" The answer to that is probably "No. No I will not.")

The first thing that popped up (that's what she said?) was on the Web site TheFrisky.com, which I have heard of before, but do not frequent. In a column entitled "Doin' It With Dr. V," someone writes in and asks, basically, that since she got all hot and bothered while her boyfriend was cutting up peppers, and then he touched her in the delicate lady area, could this cause bad things to happen?

Yikes.

The answer was basically, as long as nothing's burning, you should be OK. But then she also went into the types of foods that WOULD be OK to use, and ways to be careful about it. So that's cool.

Next, Google gave me a page at askmen.com. The title? "Food For Sex" This one starts out talking about the movie "9 1/2 Weeks" (obvs) and continued on to discuss ice, whipped cream, and chocolate.

Now, I'm not a huge food-with-sex connoisseur (read: never ever), but this article is kind of. . .obvious, isn't it? I've read enough Cosmo to have heard this stuff 9,000 times. So while I commend The Frisky for telling people how to be safe, etc., I have to kind of give Ask Men a fail. Because. . .really.

The next one was a Google image gallery that had the famous triple-X in the address, so I left that one alone.

There were a couple more that I skimmed over, but I think that, since I only wanted to highlight 3, I'll leave off with my favorite one. A blog at the "Houston Press" talked about the top 10 best food and sex scenes in movies. I didn't watch them (would have possibly been a little awkward explaining to D what I was doing. "I'm watching food sex scenes." ". . .why?" "For my READERS!") but every clip includes a synopsis of what the scene was about, and the foods necessary to pull them off. Cool.

So what do you all think? Food and sex: Awesome and Awesome or Weird and Messy?

The One With the Sex Pills

OK, guys. It’s time for full disclosure. If you’re not into TMI, of the lady parts nature, or, more specifically, MY lady parts, then you should probably avoid this entry. Go here instead.

Still with me? Good.

In my life, there is sometimes sex. I know that it’s something that I have only touched on (hee!) briefly and with the utmost of vagueness, but I’m going to go ahead and say that I am an adult and that I have been known to take part in adult-like premarital relations.*

I bring this up partially because it has to do with the story I have to tell, but also because I’m working, ever so slowly, at being more. . .open, I guess, whilst writing. There are bloggers out there that will tell you each and every time they and whomever get busy. (Hint: I am not one of those bloggers.) And then there are some bloggers that pretend they don’t know what sex means. (Hint: I am not one of those bloggers either.) I’m trying to reach some kind of happy medium with what I write about, and this, I feel, is the first step. Sometimes, there’s sex.

The problem with this, I discovered, is that the aforementioned sex sometimes causes problems for some people. For some people (not me!), it’s STDs. For others, it’s an unintended pregnancy (again, not me!). And for still others, it’s a nasty little thing called a Urinary Tract Infection. (Bingo.)

As you all know, I’ve not been involved with The Sex for all that long. I’m a relative newbie. So after the first couple of. . .encounters, when I found that I was MISERABLE-feeling in the bladder area, thanks to Cosmo (the one useful thing Cosmo has done for me. . .self-diagnosing a UTI), I immediately knew that the problem was. I went to one of those urgent care clinics (Dad refers to them as Doc-In-A-Box), and they gave me an antibiotic and sent me on my merry way.

A while later, it was back. (I’ll mention here that there was no reason, legal or otherwise, why I shouldn’t have been having sex, and lots of it, at the time. I wasn’t because my partner, and I think you all know who that was, but I’m not going to explicitly state, because OBVIOUSLY, was out of town a lot.) So every time I’d see him, I’d end up with this issue. It was causing me no end of grief and costing me more money than I had to spend on a lady parts issue. I enjoyed The Sex, but how worth it was it, REALLY?

When I’d gone the first time, the DIAB had told me that it’s a good thing I hadn’t waited any longer, because it could cause kidney issues.

Back the truck up. KIDNEY issues? Suddenly, I was having horrible back pain and was convinced that my kidneys were going to fall out and I was going to die of some sort of diseased kidney issue.

So every time I had the problem after that, I became CONVINCED that my back was killing me, and that it was because my kidney juice was leaking out into the rest of my body and I was going to die.

(Um, the back problems may or may not have had something to do with the fact that I was still living at Dad’s and did not have a bed there, resulting in me pretty much sleeping on the floor on top of a fully deflated blow-up bed. But it was KIDNEY PROBLEMS!)

Cutting to the end of the story, I eventually made an appointment with a urologist and she gave me a mild antibiotic to take after every. . .sexing. Kind of a pain in the ass, but much better than a pain in the bladder.

The problem that I have had with said antibiotic has nothing to do with the antibiotic itself, but with the package it came in. Here's a picture:

The problem I have with this is that. . .um. . .I have a prescription bottle that says "intercourse."

Intercourse is one of those words like "moist" or "panties" or "lover." It should just never be used by anyone, ever.

So, in the course of the year I've had this prescription, I've been suffering the indignities of everyone at the pharmacy knowing EXACTLY why I'm taking these pills. There was one time, this kid (he looked younger than me and he was a punk. A kid.) who glanced at the instructions, legitimately laughed, asked if there was anything else he could help me with, and then said in this TONE, "Have a. . .good evening." (I should note, D was with me at the time. That couldn't have helped.)

I felt super-uncomfortable with that guy, and with a couple of other people who've filled it. It's like. . .there are several medications you can get, and it doesn't clarify WHY you're getting it on the package. But this one? Yep. It's due to The Sex.

So I had to call the urologist last week because my prescription had expired. (This is because when they were prescribed, I was to take one. . .immediately afterwards and then one 12 hours later, as indicated on the original bottle. I figured out that I only needed the one. . .immediately afterwards, and I was OK. So I had a surplus.) My old NP wasn't there anymore, but a new doctor was willing to refill it over the phone.

I went to pick it up, and was met with this:

Instead of "intercourse" in 10-pt. font, now it's up to at LEAST 14. There's NO QUESTION about what's in that bottle. People probably think I have herpes or something. And I want to say to the pharmacist, "It's because of UTIs! I'm diabetic, and we're very susceptible to UTIs! I'm AN ADULT!"

I think the new urologist and I need to have a chat. I need to, between now and the next appointment, think of a better way to phrase that, and ask him to put THAT on the label.

I know it's not just me. I showed D the bottle, and he laughed. Out loud.

HEY, TARGET PHARMACY! I HAVE TO TAKE SEX PILLS!

Awesome.

*Sorry, Mom

The One With the Threesomes

Don't worry. I didn't, nor have I ever, had a threesome. That's cool if that's what you're into. I'm not.

I had a conversation with a friend today, and it involved threesomes. Or, more specifically, several threesomes with the same three people involved. Not a one-time deal kind of threesome, but a consistent threesome.

I am not any kind of expert anything on sex. I have my opinions, sure, but coming from someone who was (as I'm mentioned on more than one occasion) a virgin up until the age of 24 (And, um, Mom? If you come across this, I still am. For sure.) and who has had one partner ever (None, Mom.), I don't have a whole lot to say about multiple partners, what one would do with multiple partners, and what have you.

I guess I understand the concept of a threesome: If 2-4 breasts are cool, 4-6 are even better! If 1-2 man parts are cool, then 2 to three would be EVEN BETTER! If you're of two is better than one line of thinking, then a threesome might be for you.

However.

The farthest my understanding of threesomes goes would be if you were single, and everyone in your. . .party were single, too.

Example: Dan is a single guy. He scouts on craigslist one night, looking for some action. He finds Liz, a single girl. They talk, and look on craigslist again, coming up with Brunhilda, who is also a single girl.*

I get that. I wouldn't DO it, but it makes sense.

Or maybe Jeff is checking out Gay.com, and he comes across Ryan, and they look and find Rodney. They decided to get it on. OK.

All of this makes a bit of sense to me.

However.

If Dan and Liz are in a committed relationship, and they invite Brunhilda to bed with them, or Jeff and Ryan are committed, and Ryan brings Rodney home, THIS is where I begin to not understand.

I know there have been people who have written essays and articles and studies about how humans are not supposed to be monogamous creatures. While this might be the case, I feel like you don't always need instant gratification, and you can BE monogamous. Maybe not by instinct, but, you know, swimming isn't an instinct either. But we learn how to do it.

I feel like if you and your partner have agreed that, yeah, we're a couple, and we're monogamous and we're not looking for anything outside the relationship. . .why would you want to bring someone else into the picture? In my opinion, all that is asking for is for hurt feelings and jealousy, and the potential end of the aforementioned relationship.

I have this friend who had a conversation with her husband about threesomes. He was all, "Oh, yeah, I totes had a threesome once!" I was taking a photography class at the time, and was shooting the conversations people were having, and I have this awesome, awesome picture of him shrinking back, eyes closed, looking like he's hurriedly explaining himself, and my friend is making Crunchy Face at him, hands on hips, all pissed off. The point of this being. . .this threesome didn't even have anything to do with her, and it made her uncomfortable. So why in the WORLD would you want to be in a relationship with someone and make that choice?

(NOTE: I'm not judging or ANYTHING right now. I honestly and legitimately am asking this question, hoping someone can maybe explain it to me.)

So, the threesome in question was between a couple, and another person. And I'm saying. . .if your partner doesn't satisfy everything you need, if you want to explore elsewhere, if there's some hole not filled (Um. . .pun not intended until I wrote it, and then TOTALLY intended, because that's HILARIOUS.), then maybe the monogamous relationship life is not for you.

I'm not saying you partner up with someone and lose all sense of other people's attractiveness. I have giant Celebrity Obsessions Crushes on this guy:


and this gal:


(Yum.) but I don't think that takes anything away from my relationship with D. Just like I know he's got his "girlfriends" (you know, celebrities he finds attractive), and I'm cool with that.

But if Billie Joe Armstrong came up to me and was like, "Hey. You're hot. Your fiance is hot. Let's GET IT ON!" I would (seriously) have issue with that. If I wanted to be going out and hooking up with people other than D. . .I wouldn't be getting married.

So what do you guys think? Threesomes: yes or no? Threesomes with Two of Three being in a relationship with each other: yes or no?

I'm really curious as to what other people think.

*I do not condone trolling for sex on craigslist. This was just to prove that these people were all single and do not know each other. But if you DO troll for sex on craigslist, use a condom. Please.