Friday, August 27, 2010

The One With a Letter to Cosmo

Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine,

I got an e-mail from you today informing me that my subscription to your fine magazine (Also known as "you") only has "a few issues left." I'm guessing this means 5 to 6, since I haven't been a subscriber for THAT long.

I should note here that I did not pay for my Cosmo subscription. No, since I drink ungodly amounts of Diet Coke, I had amassed many Coke Rewards points, and I used 200 of them to subscribe. I'd been purchasing issues of your magazine for a while (the "on-again" part of my on-again, off-again relationship with Cosmo), and thought that the $5,093.94* I'd paid in Diet Coke might be about equal to a subscription.

I thought (even though I KNOW better) I'd be getting a magazine that has been around for decades, and which has helped countless** women through the trials and tribulations of life, sex, and everything else that comes with it. Being that it's been fewer than 3 years since I began on my journey of sexing, I thought that maybe, just maybe, Cosmo could help me catch up with my wiser, more sexually satisfied peers.***

The only thing that I've gathered from reading the "tips" Cosmo puts forth each month is that guys like girls who are into some weird stuff. You also say, every 3 issues or so, that jiggling a man's balls back and forth, as if shaking a pair of dice, is the quickest way to bring him to orgasmic bliss.

"Not so!" say several men I've inquired about this to and also a few articles and blog posts scattered about. It seems that treating your man's boys like you were employed by a Vegas casino is actually quite a BAD idea. Shame on you, Cosmo. Millions (?) of women are looking to you for advice, and you, in turn, are attempting to render their men infertile.

Your "Confessions" section? It's the same story, told over and over and over again! The men will always cheat on their significant other (rarely caught) and the women all either perform some kind of auditory bodily function, get their period, trip, or say the wrong thing in front of their "crush." Either that, or they're caught by their roommate/parents/boyfriend/girlfriend/etc. whilst in the throes. I feel like most of these "confessions" are made up. Yeah, sure you're "Lacy, 25, Columbia, SC." You're probably more like Edgar, 43, Columbia, SC.

The (next to) last thing I have to say involves the utter (apparent) laziness of your staff when it comes to cover stories. During 2009, there were two issues, approximately 5 months apart, that had the EXACT SAME "catchy" headline on them! I don't remember the specifics, but I know it had something to do with Foods That Will Make You Live Forever. Exact same wording. Even the cover art was similar! I can't remember the colors, but it was the same ones, just reversed! If the March issue was blue with orange letters, the August issue was orange with blue lettering. Do you not employ people to NOTICE things like this?****

But worse than all this, Cosmo, worse than the fake confessions and the terrible sex tips and the lazy editing, is one of your cover stories this month.


you proclaim.

Untamed va-jay-jays.

First of all, Cosmo, just because Oprah says something, that does not make it acceptable to USE, much less put on the cover of a national magazine.

Underneath the "catchy" title, it says "Guess Which Sexy Style Is Back."

I'm not. . .really sure. Because (and Cosmo, I hope I'm not stepping on your toes by assuming you took basic high school Biology), a "va-jay-jay" (or, you know, a VAGINA!) is INSIDE a woman's body. So I'm not entirely sure what you mean by an "untamed" vagina, unless you're referring to the campy horror movie, "Teeth," which portrays a girl whose vagina has teeth ("vagina dentata") and which bites off a man's ManBits whenever she has The Sex with them. Pretty good flick.

I'm guessing this isn't what you mean, though, and again, SHAME ON YOU for confusing people who, let's face it, are, by a high majority, not that intelligent anyway, by insinuating that a vagina is something that can somehow be. . .well, groomed (or not) much less tamed (or, you know, not.)

All of this, Cosmo, is why I will not be paying for your services anymore. I'd say you'd changed since the days I used to sneak into my mom's room and read her copy of Cosmo, even though she said it was far too old for me***** but actually, you have not. You're exactly the same. And that's where the problem is.

Love, kisses, and untamed va-jay-jays,

*Estimated amount
**You COULD count them, but that would be a giant waste of time. Just estimate.
***They WERE more satisfied. I'm doing just fine, thankyouverymuch.
****Um, I'm a former editor looking for a job. CALL ME!
*****Sorry, Mom.


  1. Cosmo is a big load of crap, yes. Guys like roughly three things in the bedroom, and that's about it. Sure, we're OK with the other stuff, as long as it involves one of the basic things. But Cosmo makes it sound like every guy wants a digit up his butt as you kiss his stomach, and other bizarre stuff.

  2. Hahaha love this post! I have to agree with you on Cosmo's crazy tips. BTW I also get Cosmo thinks to Diet Coke and Fresca.

    Stopping by from SITS

  3. I haven't picked up a copy of Cosmo in more than 20 years. It was much more entertaining in my 20s than it is now in my 40s.

  4. "Cosmo says your fat...well, I ain't down with that!"... And I'm glad you're no longer a subscriber. You should start your own magazine, "Sarah Says." ;)